Introducing the newest zombie-fighting nerd weapon – a T-square!
Actually, for a time I used to do book layout (back in the days before computers and InDesign.) We put together textbook pages the manly way, using waxers and X-acto knives and big sheets of high-rez text and and these massive yard-long steel T-squares that, yeah, could easily be used as murder weapons. Especially after we got done with them. We favored steel T-squares because the razor knives we needed to cut blocks of text wouldn’t scallop the edges. But the problem was we also had to use them to draw straight lines using Rapidograph pens, and if the edge of the T-square lay flat on the paper, the capillary action would literally suck ink from the pen under the T-square and make a smear. So the obvious solution was to take a file, flip the blade over, and grind it to a bevel that still kept the edge straight but the T-square now had a beveled gap that was wide enough to keep the edge off the paper and the ink pens wouldn’t smear. It’s not like the edge was razor-sharp or anything, but it was beveled enough to do damage if, y’know, the Art Department had ever been invaded by zombies. Other than the ones already working there for three days straight on deadline.
And on the subject of zombies – we now see why Scales is part of the UD3. You gotta figure everyone in the Unusual and Dangerous Development Division is likely not an Average Joe, and Agent Scales just happens to be one of those individuals whose “Fight or Flight” reflex is permanently locked to the left. He’s fairly normal in daily life; he can still be annoyed or discomfited or even cheerful. He can even teach Remedial Geometry to a bunch of college students. But drop him into a threatening or spooky situation and he won’t be scared. He’ll just get pissed. I can think of about eighteen instances right off the top of my head why this would probably not be a good long-term survival instinct, but assuming there are people like this out there, there’s gotta be at least a few for whom the dice thus far have always rolled the right way. And in the UD3, it may in fact be an advantage. At least so far. But Scales isn’t happy about things like teleporting vigilantes or new recruits with Spirit Guides. His own boss is bad enough.
And for Patrons – the Hi-Rez version of this page is here. For those in the Digital Onslaught level and above, there is also a gChat recording of Max and Bob roughing out this page!
And more below!
Bobservations
A Day To Be Remembered
March 5th just happens to be my birthday, and I had a very nice one, thank you. But I have to say, of all the unremarkable days to be born, March 5th may just be the most flavorless, uninspiring, white-bread snooze of a day in the whole calendar. Every time I look up March 5th in one of those “This Day In History” listings, I feel like Terry Prachett’s Rincewind character who was reputedly: “born under the Small Boring Group of Faint Stars, a sign associated with chess board makers, sellers of onions, manufacturers of plastic images of small religious significance and people allergic to pewter.”
From what I can see, only two things of note ever happened on March 5th: the so-called “Boston Massacre” in 1770 which was actually just British troops firing on people for throwing snowballs at them; and while five people ended up dead, it was hardly a “massacre” by most standards. And in 1836 Sam Colt received a patent for his revolver. Note that he did not actually invent the revolver on March 5th, he did that some other day. This was just the day he got his approval in the mail or whatever. While I’m sure he was pleased, it’s not really cause for parades or anything.
But my doldrum is your opportunity! If you are on the verge of an amazing discovery or you are planning the widespread slaughter of infidels – here’s a tip. Put it off! Wait a year, until March 5th, 2017, and then publicly demonstrate your anti-gravity belt or vaporize a stadium of heretics. Please note (if you are inclined to the latter) that I am not encouraging any sort of violence; far from it. I’m simply saying that if you are of a mind to do it anyway, March 5th is the day you should mark on your grubby calendar next to the scrawled notes of your manifesto, probably using the orange crayon that prevents aliens from reading your plans because orange is outside their visible spectrum. Because if you do, the day will be yours. All you’d have to do is massacre more than five people and your place in history is assured!
You won’t even have to worry about finding a large enough group. Just look for the press conference of the guy announcing his anti-gravity belt or the cure for cancer.
As for me, I’ll be home. Having cake.
— Bob out